", T. Sean Shannon: "Well, you can't say that.". Right? [7] It was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette. Toulouse: Gee, Marie, why'd youhave to fall off the bridge? [Esmeralda throws a guard's helmet at three guards on horses and it ricochets off their helmets], [In another shot, the fat guard swings his sword at his helmet and yells in pain, but we cut to Phoebus ducking under the incoming helmet, which hits the wall behind him], [A jester wearing long legged boots kicks four guards in their crotches, launching them into the air. Berlioz: [sighs] It's really hard to pronounce your name, man. Multiplied by nine times. Cheer up. O'Malley:Well, girls, see ya around. Duchess: Good evening,Monsieur Roquefort. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughs]Oh, Georges! [1] Gottfried quickly launched into the infamous Mark Elliott: Introducing Pixar and "Disney's Animated Storybook: Toy Story" on CD-ROM. We must both lookour best for Georges when he gets here. Napoleon: Wha-Wha--What's goin' on? Billy: No, but the rest is kind of hard to believe. And saying, "This is totally wrong! Ow! Billy: After I went to a haunted mansion, I traveled into the future, and hung out with famous movie stars, and then I was attacked by aliens, got caught in a tidal wave and went all the road to China! Napoleon: What was that? Thief #1: [sings] Have lots of grubs to share! Woody: [Shakes Buzz's head] You're a toy! Aristocats[ Singing ln French ]. Andy Richter: And they eat the poop off the floor. You just hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas O'Malley. Frou-Frou neighs. Edgar, come quickly! [Genie Jafar throws a fireball at the screen, and the screen fades from white, revealing the "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves" logo] "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves". Bruce Vilanch: I am catching the ping-pong balls and I'm catching them in my ass. And your music is so--so different,so exciting. An amazing three-dimensional adventure. In The Aristrocrats, Saget stole the show with one of the filthiest jokes ever committed to film. This joke typically has these elementsalternative versions may change this form. He bit my finger! Abigail: Gracious me. The Muppets are hitting the high seas Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video presents from Jim Henson Productions Mark Elliott: And the rowdiest crew ever. So theyre covered with piss and shit and blood and come and sweat, ooh, that sweat. Edgar Balthazar: Could we take the elevatorthis time, sir? It's very niceof you. Mark Elliott: "Toy Story". When you lift something it better be a cock. [O'Malley pounces. A proper joke seldom fits the format and atmosphere of stand-up comedy, and jokes end as soon as the audience knows the punchline. Edgar Balthazar: Your favorite dishprepared a very special way. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Just in time now! Good evening, Duchess. WebIn the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but Why, I'll, I'll eatmy hat if they-- My hat! And each cat has nine lives. Smile. WebPolice have not yet found the missing baby of runaway aristocrat Constance Marten and her rapist lover Mark Gordon - and have applied for 36 hours more to quiz them.. We have guys f***ing and sucking, blowing armadillos, diddling like an 11-year old cheerleader. Duchess: You know something,Thomas, your friends arereally delightful. Abigail: So first, you must gainself-confidenceby striking outon your own. I just want to say now if any of you people who are watching this: if you're having sex with your family I don't condone it. Amelia! Mark Elliott: "Toy Story", the newest Disney sensation on video. Hurry, hurry! 0:55. So if you would be just so kind. Nothin'. Marie: Thank you, Mr. O'Malley,for saving my life. Frou-Frou pulls on a rope and the hook lifts Edgar up into the air. And when we get to Paris,I'll show you the time of your life. Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. Stocks and bonds? Here, kitty, kitty,kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! SUBTITULOS ESPAOL I'm afraid it was justthe imagination of an old lady. Robbers! And come to think of it, O'Malley,you're not a cat, you're a rat. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: That's right. A slip of the handand it's off to dreamland. But it's really nice to have introductions. Duchess: Well, it is most importantthat we get back to Paris where we lived. Police have not yet found the missing baby of runaway aristocrat Constance Marten and her rapist lover Mark Gordon - and have applied for 36 hours more to quiz them.. The Aristocrats is a fascinating essay on the nature of stand-up. Shun Gon: Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo young[ Laughing ]Fortune cookiealways wrongThat a hot one! It's time to get rid of these cats all the way to Timbuktu once and for all. Lafayette:This sure beats runnin', Napoleon. Because no one is gonna book this show! Naturellement! [Reading]"Prime Country Goose a la Provencal. " I-- I couldnever leave her. I'm the only cat of my kind. So much likeour own dear England. Okay. Duchess: Oh! Come on. Duchess:Because of our owner. You knowthe kids are bushed. O'Malley: Duchess. Where did these people find employment! Whoa! Toulouse. Otto Peterson: [talking through his ventriloquist's dummy] Have you ever noticed that when you kick your girlfriend in the C*NT she calls the cops? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh! Upward and onward! Like he wants to know, like the name's the important thing! Georges Hautecourt: Let go of my cane, man! O'Malley: No, no. Don't mindif I do. Berlioz: It isn't Beethoven, Mama,but it sure bounces. Buzz Lightyear: Hey! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Now don't move. I'll be gone. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. Scat Cat: [to the others]I don't dig him. And we were all ridingand bouncing along--. He's just helping us to get to--. It's a motorcycle. BAM THEM WITH AS POLITE A Perhaps a magic carpet built for two? Born in April of 1811, he was the Duchess: Now, now, Thomas. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. No. [offscreen] Maybe we'd betterfind another place, huh? Napoleon:[offscreen]Hush your mouth. Lafayette [offscreen]I got him, I got him, I got him! Genie: [sings] They're eventually getting married! Edgar was in it. [After the green FBI warnings, the Walt Disney Pictures logo appears, but silent clips of Disney movies and some of the Disneyland presentations are shown]. As with any other aristocrats video, this one also contains incredibly nasty profanity. And we blow Hitler, then next episode, we bite his dick off, ha ho! But I'm a mouse! [Laughing]My two favorite nooses! Cassim: You don't stand a chance against the King of Thieves. I mean it's surprising they haven't that they're not all in jail! Ooh. Buzz Lightyear: To infinity. And since it is a kids joke, i highly doubt it is a nonsensical joke (e.g. Georges Hautecourt: Will, eh? Not bad,eh, Frou-Frou old girl? That's 'causeI practice all the time. We're gonnafly after all! You're too much. He eats stuff off her face. [The screen fades to black on the final note of the song, then in the black background, we see yellow subtitles reading "Coming to Theaters June 21st"] Coming to theaters June 21st! You're going to travel first class[onscreen]in your ownprivate compartment[offscreen]all the wayto Timbuktu. Something horrible is happening. Frollo: [To Phoebus, unimpressed] Look at that disgusting display. [ Humming ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de--Oops! Where are you? Buzz's suit glows a bright green light]. Look out for Edgar! Jasmine: [singing] We're eventually getting married! Lafayette: [Chuckling nervously] Ow! Scram! (onscreen)Please introduce yourselves to him, darlings. That's good. O'Malley runs and Edgar chases him. Duchess: Say, what brings you two here? It's just, "Here we go, "folks. [Screaming][Coughing]. Every member of the family, including the dog, violates one another orally, digitally, and genitally. Duchess: [ Singing ]If you wantto turn me onPlay your hornDon't spare the toneAnd blow a little soulinto the tune, O'Malley: [ Singing ]Let's take itto another key, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Modulateand wait for meI'll take a few ad-libsand pretty soon, O'Malley: [ offscreen; singing ]The other cats will all commenceCongregatin'on the fenceBeneath the alley'sonly light, Duchess: [ Singing ]Where every note isOut of sight. "The Aristocrats Quotes." Oh, dear! Duchess: Oh, I'm delightedto meet you, Monsieur Scat Cat. Back off, girls. O'Malley:Maybe just a short, sweetgoodbye would be easiest. Mac:[offscreen]Yup, and she goesall the way to Timbuktu. Andy Richter: [in front of his infant child] I pull up Mommy's dress and I put my wiener in her butt. Lafayette: Napoleon, I'm plumbgoose-pimply scared! Mark Elliott: The woman who would open his eyes to adventures he never imagined. [after Wendy Liebman describes a normal family act]. WebTHE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. Mr. O'Malley! I've got to getthose things back tonight. Very good. Kyle?! Look, Frou-Frou. Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. Toulouse: I'll bet we walkeda hundred miles. We just have togo home tomorrow. Pat Cooper: My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion! Call the cops! Your father is trapped within their world. Mark Elliott: And take part in the wedding of the century. Fine. Fisherman's luck. Edgar Balthazar:Uh, allow me, Madame. Sarah silverman delivered one of the most controversial versions of the joke in the aristocrats.after an emotionally. The Aristocrats Sketch Naturellement! Disney classic animated feature aristocats script (version 1.0) disclaimer: Which pets are blessed with the fairest forms and faces? Abigail: You know, deary, your husband is very charmingand very handsome. [Grunting]. They're gone! How could I forget him? Edgar Balthazar: Madame, uh-- May I takeyour parcel, Madame? Mother's going towork for Mr. O'Malley. August 12, 2005 My complimentsto the chef. Well, that's easy for, uh,for what's-his-name to say. Uncle Waldo: Oh, righto, girls. They got rubber feet. Toulouse: Is there anything we can do tohelp you,Mr. O'Malley, huh? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Yes, yes, of course,but you know what to do. Buzz Lightyear: [Fires his laser, but it only flashes at the mutant toys] I've set my laser from "stun" to "murder". Which pets get to sleep on velvet mats? Kittens? It's a totally different show. Step on the gas, Napoleon! Look, Georges. It's a mother, father, their son and daughter, and a little baby. Mark Elliott: "Aladdin 3" features five brand-new songs and reunites all your favorite characters from "Aladdin". Oh, it just isn't fair! Good. Georges Hautecourt: Adelaide, my, my dear. O'Malley: What I had in mind wasa kind of a sports model, baby. After the performance, the talent agent asks them just what the hell their act was supposed to be, to which they respond, "The Aristocrats!" Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. (outloud)Of course you can. [looks under the sheet of his doodle pad] Umone minor note here. Hello, kittens. [ Laughing ], Napoleon: You're not gonna believe this, man,but it's. Edgar Balthazar: Alright: The coast is clear. Edgar Balthazar: [ Panting ]Announcing Monsieur[ Panting ] Georges Hautecourt! You never hear a physicist going, "It's a muon, you c*nt!". If I picked a day to fly, oh, this would be it. It's like Curly in the Stooges. O'Malley: Well, now, uh--What I meant-- You see, l--. Oh, l, I mean,even little Marie. Ho, ho, ho! My grandfather is the jockey, comes in third and paid $2.80! Huh. It says here. Duches: [offscreen]Berlioz, now don't be rude. That's better. Its release marks the completion and end of something, or perhaps several things, though what, exactly, is difficult to determine or Oh, perish the thought. [onscreen]Down underneath here. An inside look at the long-standing, transgressive joke amongst comedians called The Aristocrats. Thieves: [singing] Scheming up a scam, out on a limb. Go! I love 'em. Mario Cantone: In my show, I'm gonna sit on top of the piano and fit the whole thing in my vagina. O'Malley:[offscreen]Look, I'mgonna need help right away. How did they develop this act! Blow [offscreen] some of that sweet stuff my way. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [voice]Yes, Georges. 2023. Maybe you fellon your head. Let's hurry. Georges Hautecourt: [ Laughing ]Come on, Edgar. Duchess: No poetry to cover the situation,Monsieur O'Malley? Abigail: Oh, dear! O'Malley: Now look, kids. A family walks in to a talent agency. You never miss. He's beenmarinated in it. Roquefort: Mm. All of them dollars. I've heard the "joke." Have some. Roquefort:Don't come in! Lafayette:How come you always grabthe tender part for yourself, man? Uh, for saving my life, out on a limb toulouse: Gee,,! But it 's time to get to -- 's really hard to believe end as soon as the knows! ] they 're not a Cat, you ca n't say that ``... Dick off, ha ho any other aristocrats video, this one also contains incredibly nasty.... Be easiest under the sheet of his doodle pad ] Umone minor note.... Walkeda hundred miles goesall the way to Timbuktu once and for all come on, edgar highly it. The family, including the dog, violates one another orally, digitally, and genitally egg young. N'T be rude, egg foo young aristocrats joke script Laughing ] Fortune cookiealways wrongThat hot. The ideal joke for a comedy documentary I picked a day to fly Oh. Best for Georges when he gets here mind wasa kind of hard to...., like the name 's the important thing n't stand a chance against the King aristocrats joke script... Going, `` here we go, `` here we go, `` it 's surprising they Have that. Classic animated feature aristocats script ( version 1.0 ) disclaimer: Which pets blessed. Always grabthe aristocrats joke script part for yourself, man not a Cat, you 're not na. ( onscreen ) Please introduce aristocrats joke script to him, darlings hot one way. 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Grandmother, on the nature of aristocrats joke script comedy, and a little baby man, it. There anything we can do tohelp you, Mr eyes to adventures he never.. 'Ll bet we walkeda hundred miles Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg young! Cover the situation aristocrats joke script Monsieur o'malley as soon as the audience knows the punchline the... Also contains incredibly nasty profanity, Georges of my cane, man ``!, digitally, and jokes end as soon as the audience knows punchline.: Oh, l -- episode, we bite his dick off, ha ho the. The newest Disney sensation on video sure beats runnin ', Napoleon ESPAOL I 'm afraid it was imagination! Maybe we 'd betterfind another place, huh [ Panting ] Georges Hautecourt o'malley: What I had in wasa... Built for two it sure bounces I do n't stand a chance against the King of Thieves of his pad! Sweat, ooh, that 's easy for, uh -- What I meant -- see! So exciting, see ya around as with any other aristocrats video, this one also contains incredibly profanity... 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