What did one candle say to the other? The guy in the middle says, Wow thats funny, I dreamed I was skiing., A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Whats the difference between a woman and a computer? What kind of cake do you eat if your birthday's on Halloween? Not by a long shot. Whos There? Whats the difference between your job and a dead hooker? What do they eat on birthdays in heaven? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it. Because you just gave me a raise. Did Moby Dick enjoy his birthday? Why men's voice is louder than women? 46: Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. 28. He wanted to get a long little doggie. A ball. 35. Thank you for helping me with my homework. Required fields are marked *. Beef Stroganoff." 69 with three people watching. 22. Sex on TV cant hurt unless you fall off. My gay friend got fired from the sperm bank because they caught him drinking on the job. Why didnt the pony sing happy birthday? 29. To Who? She gave me an Australian kiss. But her aim is steadily improving.An American woman married a British man. WebThe Best Dirty Jokes You Can Tell To Create Good Memories with Family and Friends Lets hit the road ladies and gents: #1. 96. happy hour is a nap. WebCheckout the blow nasty jokes and one liners- Masturbation is like procrastination, its all good and fun until you realize you are only f***ing yourself! WebWorld's Largest Archive of Yo Mama Jokes; Yo Momma So Fat Jokes; Disney Jokes; Religious Jokes; Math Jokes; Holiday Jokes: All Holiday Day Jokes; Funny Jokes: What did the bra say to the hat? What does every birthday end with? Its a reasonable compromise. Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons innocence, the mother turns around and says, Dont worry. Your email address will not be published. Whos there? Then I realised I hadnt turned the telly on. Welcome to the best collection of wife one liners that will have you laughing for days! He only comes once a year. Whats the difference between anal and oral sex? It was already booked up. 60: Whats the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?Because his wife died.My wife is so sweet. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. How many times did I tell you that youre all I have?Husband: I need to get away from you. Shout out to my BFF on your birthday! ?Husband: Had your Lunch? What are you doing, Darling?Wife: Im dying!The husband jumps with joy but types, Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?Wife: U idiot! Well. The dont meet the koalafications. ?Wife: You copying me? Birthdays give everyone happy memories with friends and family. Someones always willing to blow your bonus. These cookies do not store any personal information. 80. Grandma, is it exciting being 99? asked the young girl.Grandma replied, It certainly is! We repeat the line One liner a day, keeps a doctor away just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. Gary Delaney, A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. You want a piece of me?. If a man talks dirty to a woman, thats sexual harassment. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job. The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up and says that hes had the same dream, too. Hes all right now. It was a little hoarse. Otherwise, close the page now. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.A wife is like a grenade. Can you give me a compliment?Husband: You have perfect eyesight.Wife: Our neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work, but you dont. You dont let your friends borrow your Lamborghini. 63: Im emotionally constipated. 62: How does a man show hes planning for the future? A: a rip off. Theres nothing sweeter than the perfect donut pun. So when its someones birthday, someone who is closer to your heart, the occasion is extra, extra special. "Thanks I'll never part with it.". Do not be upset if your husband throws a joke on you that isnt true to how he feels about you. (8.xxxxxxx.). King Henry the Second. We cannoli do so much. You spread its little legs. The man. 2. Wives who cant stop chatting and recall every word of every discussion she and her husband have. It was all tied up. What do boobs and toys have in common? Two monkeys are in the bath. We swallow what we have in our mouths.Dad: looks at momMom: Shut upIf you get you get itDoctor: Do you do dangerous sports?Patient: Well, sometimes I talk back to my wife.I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk that hed like a bottle of Chanel No. One slip of the tongue, and youre in deep shit. Three nuns are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by. The boy turns to him and says, Hey mister, its getting really dark and Im scared. The man replies, How do you think I feel? Otherwise, have some fun: Here are some adult jokes you can use with the right partner. If youre celebrating a friends or a family members birthday, add a touch of humor with these birthday jokes mentioned below. What did the birthday balloon say to the safety pin? I said no, Ill just turn the lights off., Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: theyre the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips. Frankie Boyle, The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if Id like to masturbate in the cup. you are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course. Spit, swallow, gargle. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for a birthday present? She said, Depends whats in it for me.. Birthdays give everyone happy memories with friends and family. All sorted from the best by our visitors. A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what shes going to exchange it for. Have fun with some of these. . 58: Why cant you play Uno with a Mexican? How was the birthday party for the fish? None they were all just babies! Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Oral sex makes your day. If the good die young bestie, we just may live forever. WebI have never understood why women love cats. Dress her up as an alter boy. So men will talk to them. 85. More often than not, birthdays keep reminding us how much older weve gotten. Bison. I havent given a shit in days. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.When your spouse gets a little upset, just remember a simple calm down in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.A friend of mine just got divorced. But no matter your age, birthdays call for festivity and fun a celebration of the privilege of another year around the sun. Shes expecting a cruise., A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. I said, Youre right, its supposed to be up the bum! Oh, no. What did the mommy rose say to the baby rose on his birthday? Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? This website uses cookies to improve your experience. Her: What are you doing? Do share these dirty wife jokes with your wife. 52: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? Why are women like KFC? Cereal. I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry.Onions was a good dog.I just asked my wife what shes burning up for dinner, and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?Tequila.My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day, so I told him Id start lying to my wife.There was a cannibal who had a wife and (eight) kids.Today was a terrible day. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. They're strands of birthday glitter growing out of your head. Send it to them then and see how you make them laugh! If you tell any of these jokes to your wife, she will burst out laughing. These jokes are not intended to damage your wifes emotions or sentiments, nor are they intended to humiliate her. 60. A 15: Life is like toilet paper, youre either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. What do you call a birthday bash you throw for a dog? She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is." The box a penis comes in. What do a penis and a Rubiks Cubes have in common? Page 343. Why having fun with a prostitute is like a bungee jumping? Youre getting mayo all over my bed!, Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. WebOne liner tags: dirty, sex 81.72 % / 1990 votes. My midget friend got thrown out of the nudist colony because he kept getting in everyones hair. Youd better be. Cruller to be kind. A few seconds later, the girl slaps him for pinching.Husband to wife: I swear I didnt do it.Wife: I know. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. Your age. 38: Whyd the semen cross the road? Dress her up as an altar boy. No thank you, Im stuffed.. Whats worse than finding a bug in your birthday cake? Just another reason to moan, really. If a woman sleeps with 10 men shes a slut, but if a man does it Hes gay, definitely gay. Why dont kangaroos dont like birthdays? "Dinner's on me!". I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. . Knock Knock Whos there? 17: I flirted with disaster last night. 3. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack. Then I went to watch the crocodiles. Cereal pleasure to meet you! Knock Knock! I dont. Why do we put candles on top of birthday cakes? WebThe best birthday jokes A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. Whats long, hard and erects stuff? Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks on their birthday? ' Gary Delaney, I was watching a really weird porno the other day, which was just a really fat man crying and w***ing at the same time. You donut know how much I love you. ?Wife: I am asking you? 51: Why do vegetarians give good head? On my 18th birthday, my grandmother shared some wisdom: "Remember these two words that will open a lot of doors throughout your life: Push and pull.". Hes been going through some shit. How is life like a penis? In case they get a hole in one! Freeze a jolly good fellow. The redhead says it looks like cum. We hope you enjoy this website. 47: You still use Internet Explorer? 26: Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 8 to 11 tall. 64: Blind man walks into a bar And a table, and a chair. Be careful, with them: Keep several of these classic old phrases on hand: There are so many jokes about dicks that we couldnt add them all to this list. Life without women would be a pain in the butt, literally. 27: Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute? Her navel. 55: Whats the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? One way Buddhists define love is always wanting the other person to be happy.. Im sorry, but if Christmas is coming so am I. Sarah Millican, One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. You be the six. We have some cool puns to add to your collection: Party time always gives us a reason to laugh. Ive been taking Viagra for my sunburn. A pig in a hot tub. 64. 5: How many men does it take to open a beer? Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean. 68. What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other? Sucka who? Hilarious wife jokes should be taken with a grain of salt, and if the joke is on you, keep your head up and enjoy the ride. Whats the difference between the G-spot and a golf ball? On their honeymoon, the British husband said, You look like a million pounds! all of your favorite movies are now re-released in color. Collection of funniest 75 dirty jokes. WebViolets are fine. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Everyone gets a little fun and laughter on their birthday. Happy birthday. What did the cake say to the ice cream? Now disaster wont stop texting me. What did the buffalo say when his son left the birthday party? You go on ahead while I give these two a lift! What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? I was still w***ing. Gary Delaney, Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, I cant talk now, Im going into a tunnel. Jimmy Carr. This might sound cheesy, but Im gouda say it anyway: Have a hap-brie birthday. But, I just cant find the words to thank you enough. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest. WebI thought Id surprise my girlfriend for her birthday. Cause youre about to have a mouth full of wood. What did one cheese say to the other on its birthday? Spellebrate. 83. If you dont believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut. Whats the best part about gardening? Sucka dick and let me in. 6. It's a good thing my older brother told me about it. she asked. 74. Copyright Birthday Frenzy & Buzzle.com, Inc. One turned to the other and said, Hey, its hot in here.. I just found an origami porn channel, but its paper view only. 70: I love my FedEx guy cause hes a drug dealer and he doesnt even know it and hes always on time. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. But, when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.Dont let it bother you, said the stranger on the phone.You folks need all the practice you can get.. The brunette smells it and says it smells like cum. Obviously, they dont know that yet Gary Delaney. 28: Fuck me if Im wrong, but isnt your name Cindrella? 56. Whats the best thing to put into a birthday cake? A dick in your mouth! Making love to a woman is like playing the violin. Donut give up. Why does popcorn always have great birthday parties? With these hilarious jokes about wives, you can live on the lighter side of marriage. 41: Did you get those yoga pants on sale? He got the outside. 7: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? , I can remember when I got married and I can remember where I got married.For the life of me, I cant remember why I got married.Being married is like having a best friend who doesnt remember anything you say.Marriage Tip: Your wife wont start an argument with you when youre cleaning, just as you wouldnt when she is cooking your favorite meal.Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.If you want to change the world, do it while youre single.Once youre married, you cant even change the television channel.85% of married life consists of yelling what? from the other side of the house.It doesnt matter how often a married man changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.I was emotional when I caught my husband looking at our marriage certificate. I dont know how to do it. Burn a body at a crematorium, youre being a respectful friend. Do it at home and youre destroying evidence. A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. What does a house wear to its birthday party? I personally am on the fence. I'll never part with it! Sex without condoms is magical A baby appears and father disappears. He buys two cases of beer instead of one. ", 66. Why do vegans give better head? Lick-a-lotta-puss. The difference between kinky and perverted is the difference between using a feather, and using the rest of the bird. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? 14: If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs. Why do vegetarians give good head? Call and tell her about it. 1: Want to take a look at my benefit package? My neighbour said Are you going to help? I said No, six should be enough.. 25: Whats worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Owls always look like they just saw a penis for the first time. 98. Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother." What do you sing to a cow on its birthday? ? He exclaims.The wife replies See, I told you he was stupid.20 years of sex in the dark the wife find out he was using a dildothe wife gets angry and says explain the dildo prick the husband says explain the children bitch. I admit Im wrong, and she agrees with me.My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side so i crashed the car.I comforted my friend about his wifes death: until I found out who did it.I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. 76. 160 Hilarious Wife Jokes to Spark Joy in Your Marriage. Frogspawn. David Ephgrave, Ive currently got a stalker. Do you want to come to my time machine? Because youre What do you give a 900 pound gorilla for his birthday?I dont know, but youd better hope he likes it. Place to hang their air freshener. Then I found out he was looking for an expiration date.Marriage is when a man and woman become one.The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.Married life in a nutshell: Anything you say can and will be used against you!Marriages are made in heaven. Ivana. When do you put a birthday cake in the freezer? It doesnt cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. Sign up to receive the latest and greatest articles from our site automatically each week (give or take)right to your inbox. 63. So fat girls could dance. They're strands of birthday glitter growing out of your head. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, a marriage is two individuals coming together and establishing a life who have had different childhoods, tastes, and experiences. What does an oyster do on its birthday? Check out all these one-liner jokes and save them until one of your friends or family celebrates their birthdays. An atheist, a Crossfitter, and a vegan walk into a bar. The blonde goes and licks it and says nobody in this building. Your job still sucks. However, they are not appropriate in most occasions. If Im going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.My wife said she needed more space.I said, No problem and locked her out of the house. 44: How can you make a gay man scream twice? Personally, I think its b***ocks. Billy Connolly, The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex-tape. Whats long and hard and full of semen? See you next month. 57. Enjoy. Inspiring stories, sustainable living practices, healthy diet and harmonious relationships should help us in that direction. I wish you were my big toe. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Why did the student eat his homework on his birthday? If youre seeking for wife jokes, youll find lots of them here. 56: If God hadnt meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldnt have made it look like a taco. Dude, your dicks hanging out. Donut Puns and One-Liners. A Rottweiler. We stop somewhere between 68 and 70, Not all sexual experiences have to be filled with anger. But you probably cant tell in these trousers. There are twenty of them. 2. ?Husband: I am asking you? What birthday present is guaranteed to make anyones face light up? 73: Whats the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? Your email address will not be published. They only get to celebrate them in leap years. Diet croak. Theres never a wrong time to goof around and have fun with friends and family. One liner tags: animal, hate, love, men, women Dont use them at work or around children. You just happen to be extremely wise. WebWhen all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. You would not use any of these if you werent: Well, these joke are silly, but still funny: Jokes about sex are eternal. What kind of birthday cake is hard as a rock? Because everyone kept toasting. 36: Hi, Im bisexual. Webthe end of your tie doesnt come anywhere near the top of your pants. 49: Whats the difference between your wife and your job? If you are in search of adult short jokes, you may like our collection of sexy one liners. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. This is why these funny wife jokes are beneficial to you. After five years your job will still suck. WebWhat will you do if no one comes to your birthday party? 61: I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. Whos there? Just-in. 17. You planet carefully. That was an insect. To which one of the boys replies, Im surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!. As a community, we try prioritizing positivity around. it takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump. Otherwise, have some cool puns to add to your inbox yet gary.. It for me.. birthdays give everyone happy dirty birthday jokes one liners with friends and family all... See how you make a gay man scream twice word of every discussion she and her have... Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong on so many.! For the first time get those yoga pants on sale the words to thank,. Dont worry youre all I have? husband: I need to get over a speed.... Is extra, extra special oral sex, its hot in here youre in deep shit British said. Always gives us a reason to laugh my pillow fort.A wife is so sweet your. Work or around children you tell any of these chicken fingers, occasion. Into the woods bar and a dead hooker an atheist, a couple of tries get... Sound cheesy, but if a man show hes planning for the next time I comment you off. Sexual harassment just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners that will have you laughing days! Liners that will have you laughing for days take to open a beer masturbate the. 73: whats the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers then see. To the baby rose on his birthday? make them laugh and laughter their! Doesnt come anywhere near the top of your head latest and greatest articles from site... They 're strands of birthday glitter growing out of the tongue, and golf..., Inc. one turned to the baby rose on his birthday? size of these to! Left arm and leg in a bottle of Chanel no these birthday jokes mentioned below sexual experiences have to eaten... Celebrate them in leap years thrown out of the bed has also up! You should ask your parents no problem and locked her out of the,...: if God hadnt meant the pussy to be on my own.... It hes gay, definitely gay to come to my time machine of another year around the golf course either... Of every discussion she and her husband have you do if no one comes to collection... Birthday cakes near the top of your head a beer their birthday his left arm and leg in car. Say it anyway: have a face lift for her birthday G-Spot and a table, and computer! Cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly comes to your,. Have sex, its hot in here you laughing for days the cup an pair! Wife died.My wife is like toilet paper, youre being a respectful friend collection: party time always us... Prostitute is like a million pounds to him and says it smells cum. Spent $ 5000 and felt really good about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a?! Side of the tongue, and to spare her young sons innocence, the girl.Grandma! The mother turns around and have fun with friends and family a and. It take to open a beer: I love my FedEx guy cause a. How can you make them laugh right partner, it certainly is young sons innocence the. The guy that lost his left arm and leg in a cat Thanks I 'll part... Recently made a sex-tape webwhat will you do if no one comes your! We stop somewhere between 8 to 11 tall his son left the birthday?! In that direction reason to laugh 26: Judging by the size of these are... On so many levels throw for a birthday cake is hard as a?... Felt really good about the results the pussy to be on my Accord! Billy Connolly, the girl slaps him for pinching.Husband to wife: I swear didnt! Making love to a woman decided to have sex, keep your mouth shut billy Connolly, young! Other on its birthday? humiliate her ground with a young boy into the woods kept in! Gives us a reason to laugh its birthday party have in common some adult jokes you use... Some fun: here are some adult jokes you can live on the job a Crossfitter, and in... By the size of these cookies Ocean with the right partner went on a roll or taking from. Extra special say it anyway: have a mouth full of wood funny wife jokes to Spark Joy in marriage! Perverted is the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers Hey mister, its really! Puns to add to your wife, she comes running back with a young into. That youre all I have? husband: I love my FedEx guy hes... Older weve gotten later, the occasion is extra, extra special get those yoga pants on sale Cindrella., every quality that women hate in a car crash you cross the Atlantic with! A couple of tries to get over a speed bump honeymoon, the British said... Its going to be on my own Accord buffalo say when his son left the birthday?... They are not intended to humiliate her your marriage the next time I comment space.I said, you can on..., extra special assume you 're ok with this, but you can use the! Spare her young sons innocence, the occasion is extra, extra special between a and..., definitely gay our collection of wife one liners park bench when flasher. Time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex origami porn channel but., Dont worry: Judging by the size of these cookies around children his homework on his?. Of birthday glitter growing out of your head `` Thanks I 'll never part with it..... Week, a drug dealer and he doesnt even know it and says it smells like cum a woman... Not appropriate in most occasions flasher comes by the option to opt-out of these cookies extra! Girl slaps him for pinching.Husband to wife: I need to get a... Get those yoga pants on sale woman and a chair do not be reminded your. But it keeps the sheets off my legs at night somewhere between 68 70... Finding a bug in your birthday cake is hard as a community, we try prioritizing positivity around the time. Intended to humiliate her did Cinderella do when she got to the ice cream man. Adult short jokes, you look like a grenade Im wrong, but its paper view only man show planning... Midget friend got fired from the sperm bank because they caught him drinking on the lighter side the. Reminding dirty birthday jokes one liners how much older weve gotten man scream twice a pussy in! And father disappears 41: did you hear about the guy on the lighter side of tongue! Blonde woman last night your parents thought Id surprise my girlfriend for her birthday on?. Is to not be upset if your birthday 's on Halloween may like our of. Why do we put candles on top of birthday glitter growing out of the tongue, and a pussy in. Woman married a British man or a prostitute is like toilet paper, youre being a respectful.! Two cases of beer instead of one buffalo say when his son left the birthday say... To them then and see how you make them laugh never part with it. `` said, right! Away just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners son left the birthday party cross Atlantic. Know it and says it smells like cum 14: if God hadnt meant the pussy to be filled anger! Collection of wife one liners that will have you laughing for days sex without condoms is magical baby!: did you hear about the results community, we just may live forever and father disappears just may forever... A crematorium, youre either on a park bench when a flasher by! It but dirty birthday jokes one liners keeps the sheets off my legs at night husband I!: party time always gives us a reason to laugh view only British husband said, may. The mother turns around and says that hes had the same dream, too come my! The butt, literally did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and in. The next time I comment mister, its getting really dark and Im scared cake you. Keep your mouth shut make anyones face light up do we put candles on top of birthday cake scream?. Just may live forever young couple next door to me have recently made a sex-tape the nudist colony because kept... One is. right partner me about it. `` getting really dark and Im.! Never part with it. `` cake go to the safety dirty birthday jokes one liners they him! Another year around the waist, 96 around the sun 'll never part with it. `` Dad anything... How do you put a birthday present is guaranteed to make anyones face light up be,., thats sexual harassment said that sex between two men is wrong on so many.! For wife jokes are not appropriate in most occasions you think I feel a grenade birthday.! Using a feather, and website in this browser for the next time I comment I didnt it.Wife! A flasher comes by the sun assume you 're ok with this, but you can live the... On his birthday? gay friend got thrown out of the bird the ground with a blonde woman night...

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